Drowning...

The first time I remember him drowning me... I was little, really really little.  My guess is I was about 2, maybe just a tad younger...

It was after one of the first penetrative fingering sessions.  I was bleeding.  I got in the tub and the water turned red and I thought I was dying.  I panicked and started making a fuss (Granddaddy rule one:  Don't call attention to yourself unless you really want my undivided attention.  Granddaddy's undivided attention, sucked, every time.) and he stomped into the bathroom and demanded to know what the fuck was wrong with me.  I don't remember what I babbled at him, my memories of my own actions are very fuzzy and unclear most of the time (cause what I did didn't matter, what was going to happen, happened, and I had no hope of influencing the outcome once he started shouting), but I remember him with an insane amount of clarity over 30 years later.  His smell, the texture of his skin, the lines of rage and I now believe fear that stood out on his face whenever he looked at me...

At any rate... he discerned that my concern was that my death was immanent.  And, it pissed him off a lot.  A whole lot.

He grabbed me by the back of the hair and jerked me up out of the water, holding me against his chest.  His voice became very precise and slow.  "Why you always gotta pick the hard way, Cunt?!?"  (I still hear that shit.  I hear that cocksucker's voice every time I do something fucktard stupid and then have to run around and fix it.)

"This is what dying feels like."  And then he used my hair to hold me under the water.  Until after I quit fighting.  Until after the world dimmed to black.  After the brilliant white light.  And, then blackness.  Then everything was out of focus.  His foul breath, chewing tobacco and Old Milwaukee, it was blowing into me, forcing my lungs to do... something.  And, then everything is puke and snot and shit and pink bloody water.

When the world finally starts to refocus... he seems like a monster.  The line with reality is gone.  Time doesn't exist anymore.  I panic and kick him... and the world darkens and seems to take on a blue hue.  And, I know... he is the boogyman... and something in me breaks.

And, then its another day.