Fuck a bunch of bugs...

They are crawling on me, worse into me. I feel them. Billions of them it seems like. The mice are bad, the dead things are worse... but in some way I cannot to this day describe, it was the fucking bugs that was the worst of it. They were just waiting for me to die and be edible carrion.

I think some part of me fundamentally understood that even then.

Sometimes when I am almost asleep I hear them and feel them and god help me even taste them.

Fuck a bunch of bugs... that's all I'm saying.

Poof... Be Gone

This wouldn't leave me alone last night and I needed to sleep.  Here it is...

Its cold.  So cold I fear I may get sleepy cold.  Sleepy cold is bad.  It hurts for weeks.  I have to fight it.  I move as much as the suicidally (murder, its murder, boogyman will kill you... wants you dead) short chain and my own agony will allow. I notice the weak mewling noise and recoil, hunting for the kitty.  I have to escape the kitty... its gouged out eyes will accuse me.  Blame me.  Show me my monster.  But, there is no kitty.  The sound is coming from me.  The kitty is me.  Its in me.  The monster is me.  Its in me.  This realization terrifies me and I start to really shriek and fight.  The chain digs into my throat and abrades the skin there.  I know I have to stop.  The blood starts to flow from my neck and I hear the floor above me creak.  I know I have to stop, must stop, STOP... but my absolute horror is driving me.  I cannot calm myself.
And then, the boogyman is there.  And some part of me is glad.  The intensity of my physical agony takes some of the vitality of the absolute panic of my realization.

Welcome

K.. So Screaming Secrets really served its purpose.  The parts of me that lived Raven’s life have shrieked their horror, their terror, and dealt with their helplessness and I have made some level of peace with that period of my life.  I am standing on the other side of it, finally, and I’ve grown so much.  I will not hide anymore.  Not out of fear or shame or any other damn thing.  Fuck em and fuck you too if you think anything other than right the fuck on.  No, I haven’t put it behind me, on some level I think that’s a fantasy that will never come to pass and I’m okay with that.  Those that don’t learn from their past are destined to repeat it.  Fuck that.  I’ll not be ANYONE’s victim anymore. 

But, there is a place I could never really go there.  Granddaddy.  Cunt.  Training the bitch.

I am braver and stronger now.  I know I can handle it.  I know I can get past it.  I have faith in me.  But, I am gonna have to face it and deal with it… just like I did with being Raven.

So Raven has screamed.  Now let’s turn to the bitch.  I doubt she will be able to articulate anywhere near as well… humanity really helps with communication… and it didn’t take long to loose it.

Here we go… down the rabbit hole… I’ll keep my touchstones close, keep your mouse in hand… when it gets too much click that little x.  I don’t expect anyone to follow me down here… but I’m going.  I’m going and I’m gonna bring that little girl out into the light and teach her not to fear it.  But, first, I’ll have to convince her she’s human.